The other day, as I waked into the run-down but pleasant Goody’s Tavern my attention quickly turned to a man sitting at the bar wearing a blue-gray military visor cap.  He was hunched over what looked like a whiskey and resembled the ex-dictator of Chile, Augusto Pinochet.

I thought to myself, “Christ, this dude looks good for a man who should have been dead six years ago.”

I decided it would be a good idea to take a seat next to him.

“How you doing today sir?” I asked.  “ Do I know you from somewhere?”

With a grin he turned to me, “ I don’t believe so. I arrived in Orange County from Chile on October 31 and plan on staying for a while.”

Nervously, I asked, “Are you the ex-ruler of Chile, Augusto Pinochet?”

He raised a finger to his lips.

After exchanging a few pleasantries, the conversation turned to the topic of San Clemente’s gang injunction. Both of us agreed the injunction was long overdue and further action must be taken to exterminate the vermin Mexican gang members who continue to destroy all that is decent in our Spanish Village by the sea.

Pinochet, reflecting on his extensive knowledge of combating domestic terrorists in Chile, told me that to successfully defeat the homegrown terrorists, a painful but necessary three-step process would be required.

The one an only Augusto Pinochet.

The one an only Augusto Pinochet.

I looked at him in awe, “Holy hell, looks like we have a long way to go…How would you go about implementing such a policy?”

Pinochet laughingly replied, “Get yourself another beer, this might take a minute.”

Due to Pinochet’s fear of being quoted, what follows is a summary of his three-point plan to eliminate, once and for all, the Mexican gang of San Clemente.  The quotes that follow were scribbled on my bar napkin without Pinochet’s knowledge.

First, local law enforcement must be granted all the necessary powers to defeat the local terrorists.  If these SC gangsters decide to take matters into their own hands, the city must be prepared for an all out assault. It is absolutely necessary that local police are provided with enough artillery to take out a small Iraqi city. If these thugs get loose, who knows when they will be stopped.  In addition, the police need to detain any Hispanic that looks undesirable; if they’re not a gang member, then they’re probably a rat immigrant terrorist.

I turned to the blond bartender whose tits where popping out of her low-cut pink shirt and asked,  “Excuse, me sexy, but can I have another beer and shot of tequila, I am starting to enjoy myself.”

Pinochet continued to his second stop, which was to implement a public relations campaign that proclaims the local government is securing the city from atheistic demonic blood sucking terrorists that seek to destroy our way of life. They should state if action is not taken immediately, our picture perfect society will soon become extinct.  Make it clear Civil liberties can only go so far; if local residents want security then people in power must be free to do their job.  At this point, Pinochet ordered another cognac,  “If you can’t trust your government than whom can you trust?”

Third, commence an all out attack on the local gang infrastructure.  Any Hispanic individual with ties to the gang or appears to be part of the gang needs to be rounded up, exposed as a traitor and sent away to specially designated compounds which will serve as camps for domestic terrorist.  At these camps gang members should be forced to work, humiliated and held up to the public as an example of what happens to those who step out of line.

Pinochet smirked, “It’s an ugly job but someone’s got to do it. Better us than them.”

As Pinochet began to finish, he noted,  “Tell the local mayor to take advantage of all photo opportunities. In the photos, he should present himself in an authoritarian manner.  If possible, he should wear a military uniform, but if a military uniform can’t be furnished, a stone cold look on his face, a look that would make the Duke jealous, would suffice.”

“It seems the time has come to crack some skulls.”  I replied. Pinochet continued,  “This is no time for rest; the rats are on the run and they must be destroyed before it’s too late. People must understand that freedom comes at a cost.”

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About ocbarrios

Professor for Cal State Fullerton's Barrio Studies class for Fall 2011 semester

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